I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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