fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Your dad touched me again.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
