She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
