By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
