party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
