wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
