i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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