Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize