so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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