Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
3 2 1 whiskey
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
