I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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