We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
