Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
worst night to have a conscience
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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