Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
