haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
