I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
