great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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