Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
