Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
