You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
