There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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