My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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