This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
