If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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