apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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