Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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