All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
this boner is exhausting
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
