Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
