Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
