Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
