Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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