This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
