no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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