I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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