I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
