No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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