after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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