Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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