I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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