the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
