when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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