I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
