went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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