he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
there is glitter all over my balls
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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