Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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