this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
