Whod you bang
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
