seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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