I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
