Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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