I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
