After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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