Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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