Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
