how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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