I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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