I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
