Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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