Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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