we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize