he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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