i just wanna soil my oats bro
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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