Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
