eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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