we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
