keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We smell like vodka and hangover
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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