2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Randomize
