Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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