so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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